Looking back, I can see that it had been there for a while.
A feeling of unease. A mental fog.
It was easy to blame it on stress.
Work. School. Kids.
Homework. House. Animals.
Then summer came, but the feeling lingered.
I wasn't motivated to do much of anything.
It must have been latent fatigue.
So I slept. A lot.
School started.
The fog intensified.
I made myself believe that it wasn't so bad.
But one can only keep up the charade for so long.
Relaxation eluded me.
A glass of wine became glasses of wine.
I kept thinking that it would all slow down...
"Just a few more weeks and it will be better."
Those few weeks stretched on.
One foot in front of the other...just to do what I had to do.
I withdrew.
Spent a lot of time...
I can't tell you. I don't remember.
I abandoned writing. Put my camera in its case.
It was no longer enjoyable.
I was just too tired.
But slowly, I can feel the fog beginning to lift.
The days are not so laborious.
Fewer things are missed.
Finally.
We knew it was coming.
We were all hoping and praying for a miracle.
It was not meant to be...
Last week, The Mr.'s mom passed away after a valiant battle with pancreatic cancer.
It's an ugly disease.
Ruthless.
It shows no mercy.
I regret never sharing certain things...
I'm not sure if I expressed the depths of my thanks for her son. He holds my heart and I credit her with his strength.
She always let me be me. We had differing tastes and styles, but not once did she try to change me.
I have no doubt that she loved our little family. She respected our traditions and never imposed her desires over ours.
She was a cheerleader for us all. There was never a time that she wasn't in our corner.
I am sure that she didn't realize how much she was loved.
How much she is loved, still.
My husband will miss her.
My children will miss her.
And I will miss her.
This is it.
This is the extent of our grandiose garden dreams.
Bluebonnets.
The Girl was assigned a plant research project earlier this spring. Her heart was set on our beloved Texas state flower.
A pot was decorated.
Information gathered.
Soil scooped.
A hole made.
Seeds dropped in...
...and covered.
Over 70% of all bluebonnets grown in pots fail to bloom.
Ours were part of that 70%.
Terrible odds were against us. The fact that The Boy took it upon himself to create a bluebonnet dirt volcano didn't help, either.
Maybe we will have better luck next season.
I still have grandiose garden dreams.
But it's really a blessing that they fell through this year.
We had maybe five rain showers all summer long and a seemingly endless run of 100* days. I fear that watering our crops would have landed us in the poor house.
Our plans for raised beds full of fresh cucumbers, squash, chard, okra, peas, and zucchini will continue to take shape through the cooler months ahead.
Meanwhile, I've yet to give up on fall tomatoes and herbs.
August 10th.
Thankful for caffeine.
Bling.
Look out, greys.
Collaboration.
Reality check. Blah.
Fake BBQ. Meh.
Real popsicle. Much better.
Vacated.
Begone, ring.
Over my shoulder.
Al dente.
(photo courtesy of The Girl)
How has July already passed?
It was a month of little moments...
454 pieces.
Tanned feet.
Red, white, and blue.
At work.
Deep thoughts on a bottle cap.
Salt and pepper.
Sun lit.
Past bedtime.
Power outage.
Wonderfully bittersweet.
Summer concert series.
Late night company.
My summer is quickly fading away.
I welcome August and its little moments.
I just hope they slow down and last a bit longer.
A long-overdue list of randomness that tickles me pink...
*Help in the kitchen.
The Boy is finally old enough to provide actual help. The kind that isn't help in theory, but in reality. Of course, now he's not nearly as eager like in days passed. Funny how that works.
*Vegan chocolate chip cookies from Whole Foods.
I told The Mr. that he had to stop being sweet and bringing them home. They are the size of a saucer and I have no control around them. Lord only knows how many calories are in one of those things.
*These popsicles.
We have (at least) one every day.
They are so yumz that I use them as leverage for good behavior.
*Little painted toes.
With pink sparkles, no doubt.
*Crossing books off my reading list.
I *loved* the The Hunger Games, times ten. It was completed in less than twenty-four hours. I have delayed reading the other two books in the series because I want them to last longer.
*New Blog Land friends.
Kim, Erin, and Janelle.
These ladies are funny, sarcastic, blunt, thought-provoking, and admit things that you aren't supposed to admit, especially in Blog Land.
You won't find cutesy. You won't find crafty.
You will find real life.
And you won't feel like a total loser-crappy mother just because you don't have children that never argue and only hug. And that you might, on occasion, raise your voice at them or use cuss words in front of them.
Or that you don't sew or knit all their clothes with fabric and yarn that you wove yourself. Or that you don't grow your own organic food all year long but instead, dare to step foot in a grocery store.
Or that your house isn't completely furnished with incredible thrift store finds. Or that it's a total pipe dream that everyone picks up after themselves without being asked. Or that you aren't married to someone that *can* read your mind so you get pissed off at him on a fairly regular basis.
Or that you are simply human.
I can't wait until we can share some drinks in person instead of getting sloshed together on Facebook and Twitter. Seriously. We are a motley cyber crew.
*Tufts.
That's what we call them.
This is Les. He thinks he's Mufasa.
*Working out.
I've never been a big yoga fan, but it's starting to win me over. The Mr. is being really supportive, but I think it has more to do with the downward facing dog position than actual health benefits.
I'll admit to not being quite as disciplined the past couple of weeks. My workout partner, shown above, has really been on my case.
She has been watching way too much Jillian.
*Set lists.
Especially when they include one of my favorite songs.
*Strapless tops.
It's hot. I have a tan. I don't have to wear a bra.
*Jeans that fit.
They aren't too tight. They aren't too baggy. They don't show my ass crack when I bend over.
*Face wash.
It removes all my make-up. It doesn't dry out my skin or make my face oily. And it smells awesome.
I've used it as body wash more than once.
*Rudi's bread.
This is the next best thing to homemade, and I don't get flour all over the counters.
Sold, sold, sold, and sold.
*Mike Vallely.
He's a skater from my generation.
He has aged very well.
*Heidi Swanson.
She is the wonder behind 101 Cookbooks, which has solved my "what to make for dinner" dilemma more than once. Both of her cookbooks are excellent. I've yet to make something that isn't worthy of being made again.
But most of all...I love her photography. It's perfect. Every little thing from her use of light to the subject matter is beyond reproach.
"I take photos of my day-to-day - places I visit, people I meet, little moments I want to remember...I've also found that photography is a good indicator for me - when my life is nicely in balance I shoot more photos. If I find my favorite cameras collecting dust, it's usually a sign that I'm over-extended in one way or another and I try to adjust. My hope is that photography continues to be something that inspires me throughout my life - not just the process of observing and taking pictures myself, but also appreciating the work of others."
Brilliant.
*Beer.
I've really been enjoying Shiner's Ruby Redbird. It really is a perfect summer beer.
*The Girl's vocabulary.
She still has some words that she mispronounces. I find it difficult to correct her because it's so sweet...and fleeting.
Some of my favorites: swim-soup (swimsuit), toe-food (tofu), hoga (yoga), and pasquito (mosquito).
*Visiting Austin this summer.
It's where my heart is.
*Eddie.
O.M.G.
He's at the top of *The List*, it's true...but even if he weren't, I would still love his Ukulele Songs. But since he is at the top of *The List*, it has been on repeat for the past seven weeks for hours (and hours) at a time.
Obsessed? Maybe.
Also on the summer soundtrack for 2011:
Beulah (365 day a year favorite)
The Belle Brigade
Reigning Sound
Tody Castillo
Fleet Foxes
The Mountain Goats
The Minus 5
The Decemberists
The National (another 365 day a year favorite)
Blind Pilot
Some things I'm missing...
*Skateboarding.
Since the temps are often in the triple digits, I have left my skillz by the wayside.
I'll roll again this fall.
*Smack talk.
I love it when someone can dish it *and* take it, but is still respectful and can give credit where credit is due.
I have some friends who are excellent shit-talkers. I salute them and their talents.
I also miss having something to smack talk about. Football season ended ages ago. Basketball season met a similar fate. Both of my beloved sports are more than likely going to be delayed or nonexistent due to lockouts.
I miss waking up and reading the sports page(s) on my phone while snuggled in bed. It made mornings much more tolerable.
*sigh*
*Teddy.
The Girl is getting older and she's aware of that fact. She knows big girls don't walk around a store or sit in a restaurant with a well-worn, stuffed friend.
So, Teddy has been spending more and more time in the car. And sometimes, is even left at home.
It's not that she doesn't love him or need him. She does. But still. It's proof that she is growing up.
I should be happy! I remember wondering how long she was going to drag that nasty looking bear around. Wondering how much longer I had to be nervous that she would lose him. Wondering if she was going to need therapy for an attachment disorder.
Now, I wonder if I'm more attached to Teddy than she is.
I think I'm the one in need of therapy.
Lots of simple randomness.
I feel as if I should buy you a beer...I would dig that.
If you are curious about some of the other things that make me smile, just type "I Dig This" in the little Google search box over to the side.
Boom goes the dynamite.
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